Unexpected Loss Is Harder to Manage
When someone you care about dies suddenly, it causes added challenges which increase an already stressful situation. Some examples of unexpected loss can include an accident, an emergent fatal health condition, a surgery a person did not survive, or suicide. Death of a loved one no matter the circumstances is generally a difficult experience but when there was no time to prepare for the loss, it can be devastating on a whole other level. There are many factors to deal with when a loss was unexpected.
Shock
Shock is the first reaction that generally occurs when you find yourself in this situation. When you’re in a state of shock, it feels impossible to wrap your mind around what happened. Your brain feels foggy, nothing makes sense, and all you can feel is numbness and disbelief. It can be hard in this state to really believe that the person you’ve cared about is really gone making the grief harder to process. You might notice other people around you are having big emotions about the person lost but you feel cut off from your own emotions and may even question whether or not you really care if you can’t feel anything and especially if you can’t cry for the person who has died.
Unfinished Business
If the relationship was strained or you were estranged from the person who died, it is not uncommon to be left with a range of complicated or conflicting emotions such as guilt, anger, and sadness. You may find yourself face to face with the realization that you will never be able to say or share something you have been carrying inside for a long time. You’ve lost your chance to fix or address the problem between you and this fact alone is hard to bear.
Lack of Clarity About Their Wishes
If a person was unprepared for their death, it’s likely they left a number of practical issues behind that are unresolved which would come with unanswered questions. Funeral arrangements, what to do about property, pets, and personal possessions are some of the issues that could be at the top of the list. If you are the person left in charge of handling decisions, this can be very overwhelming.
Financial Stress
If no arrangements have been made before hand, there may be a number of financial stresses you’ll have to manage. If the person was a primary breadwinner, there may be stresses related to paying for household expenses, bills, debts, and funeral proceedings. If the person did not leave a will behind, this could pose another layer of complexity.
Not Getting to Say Goodbye
One of the hardest aspects of unexpected loss, is that you didn’t get a chance to have a final conversation or say goodbye. You may be ruminating about the last time you spoke with them or saw them. Did you have a positive or negative last interaction? Had too much time passed since you’d last spoken to them? You may be asking yourself, Why didn’t I express more appreciation? or Why can’t I remember the last thing we said to one another? Why didn’t I say or do (fill-in the blank)? All of these questions may nag at you circling in your mind with no relief.
You may also be thinking a lot about their final moments wondering if they suffered in any way or if you could you have intervened or helped in some fashion. You may also be eaten up by guilt and regrets.
Counseling Can Help
Loss of any kind is extremely difficult but a loss that comes as a surprise is one of the hardest challenges we are given. No one prepares us to handle the death of a loved one let alone one we weren’t prepared for.
In addition to having to manage your own emotions, there may be other family members turning to you for support with their grief as well as asking for help with the tasks and responsibilities that often accompany a person dying. Meanwhile, the world around you expects you to carry on and you’re wondering how to deal with everything that has been thrust at you all at once. You’re finding it so hard to function and getting through the day feels impossible.
Grief counseling is a helpful next step in getting things to feel manageable again. You don’t have to figure this out on your own. If you’re not coping very well and in need of support, please contact us.
About the Author
Lalo Rivera, LPC, SEP is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Somatic Experiencing Practitioner. As the owner of The Listening Body Counseling Services, she is a firm believer in the transformative power of the mind-body connection as a portal for healing. She specializes in helping individuals overcome complex trauma and PTSD with body-oriented approaches.