What Is Assertiveness — And Why Is It So Hard?
You said yes again.
You felt the no forming in your chest — clear, certain. You knew you didn’t want to take on the extra project, go to the event, absorb the comment without responding. And then something happened between what you felt and what you said, and the yes came out anyway.
And now you’re sitting with that familiar mix of resentment and relief. Resentment because you gave something away. Relief because nobody is upset with you.
That relief is important to understand. It’s not weakness. It’s a strategy that used to work.
Assertiveness Is Not What Most People Think
When people hear “assertiveness training” they sometimes imagine being taught to be confrontational. Louder. More demanding.
That’s not it.
Assertiveness is the ability to express what you think, feel, and need — clearly and respectfully — without either suppressing yourself (passivity) or overriding others (aggression). It sits in the middle, and it’s rarer than you’d think.
Most of us were never explicitly taught it. We were taught to be polite, to avoid conflict, to be “easy”. Those are not the same thing.
Why It’s So Hard: The Nervous System Piece
Here’s what most articles on assertiveness miss: it’s not primarily a communication skills problem. It’s a nervous system problem.
When you imagine saying no — or holding your ground in a difficult conversation — your body responds as if there’s a threat. Your heart rate rises. Your thinking narrows. Your survival brain kicks in and says: appease, accommodate, avoid.
This happens faster than conscious thought. By the time you’re deciding what to say, your nervous system has already made a calculation about what’s safe.
Understanding this changes everything. It means that practising assertiveness isn’t about “trying harder” — it’s about teaching your nervous system that expressing yourself is safe.
Where Non-Assertiveness Comes From
Most patterns around self-suppression have roots:
Families where conflict was dangerous or unpredictable — you learned that keeping the peace was a survival skill
Environments where your needs were dismissed or minimised — you learned not to have them
Relationships where expressing yourself had consequences — criticism, rejection, withdrawal of love
Cultural or gender expectations — where accommodation was modelled as a virtue, especially for women
None of this makes you broken. It makes you adaptive. The problem is when a strategy that once protected you keeps running in contexts where it’s no longer needed.
Try This: The Three Columns
Exercise: The Three Columns
When you’re facing a moment that calls for assertiveness, grab a piece of paper and write three columns:
What I’m actually feeling: Be specific. Not just "bad" — frustrated? Overlooked? Overwhelmed?
What I actually need: Not what would fix it for everyone else. What would genuinely serve you?
What I could say: Draft it like a script. Not to memorise, but to get out of your head and into language.
Most people discover they’ve been so focused on managing everyone else’s reactions that they’ve lost track of what they actually want. This exercise brings you back.
What Assertiveness Work Looks Like at Feel Your Way Therapy
Our Assertiveness Program is built around the understanding that lasting change happens at the level of the nervous system, not just the script.
You’ll work with a therapist to:
Identify the early experiences and patterns that shaped your current default
Understand your body’s specific signals when assertiveness is needed
Practise in session — with real scenarios from your life — until the new response starts to feel natural
Build language for difficult conversations at work, in relationships, and with family
Assertiveness isn’t a personality trait you either have or you don’t. It’s a skill that can be learned — at any age, at any starting point.
Explore our Assertiveness Program — or book a free 15-minute consultation to tell us what’s been holding you back.
